Dealing with Bullies

Bullies, many of us had to deal with them at one point in time during grade school. Studies estimate that at some point, 30 per cent of children were victims of bullying or have bullied others, or both (1). In fact, it is estimated that bullying incidents happen in an average school, every seven minutes and lasts about 37 seconds (1). Bullying can be in many forms, such as hitting, kicking, swearing, teasing, mocking, and various other behaviours that can leave the victim scared, withdrawn, or depressed (1). Bullying could have serious consequences later in life as well as one expert points out: "... children who learn how to acquire power through aggression on the playground may transfer these lessons to sexual harassment, date violence, marital abuse, child abuse, and elder abuse." (1).

There are effective ways of dealing with bullies and it is important to talk to your kids early even before bullying starts. Parents can start by engaging in an imaginary confrontation by acting out a bullying scene. It is important to encourage your child to look at you straight in the eye and talk in a convincing manner as he or she deal with your bullying tactics (2). Since many bullies wants to see an emotional distress from their victims, advise your children not to give an emotional reaction.

When a child starts school have a talk regularly to see if he or she is being bullied by somebody. Victims of bullies often tend not to tell teachers or parents as they are afraid of retaliation from the bully (3). If you find your child is being bullied, think of solutions together such as ignoring it at first. If problem persist, explore solutions such as standing up for himself/herself in non-violent ways or notifying a responsible adult as soon as bullying begins. It's important to include the child to be part of the solution as many victims of bullying lose a sense of power and if parents take over completely, it will only reinforce the helplessness (3). It's important to stress that bullying should not be met with violence. Violence may make the matter worse or even turn the victim into the person doing the bullying. Most bullies expect physical retaliation but when victims respond with words or with a clever joke, the bully often gets distracted and according to John Coie, a Duke University psychologist, distracted bullies drop the pursuit three out of four times (2).

After exploring solutions together, always ask your child to see if there is something you can do as a parent. If your child says no, honour it, but if he/she seems unsure or says "I don't know" it often means yes in which case a talk with a teacher may be necessary. In extreme cases where a child is significantly injured by a bully or is experiencing severe emotional distress to attend school because schools officials have not taken care of the problem despite opportunities, law enforcement authorities may have to be contacted to intervene.

School is a place where students learn a lot of things, not just math, arts and history, but also about how to interact with other and also about coping with difficulties and hardships. Don't be too alarmed when you initially find out your child is being bullied. Although the matter should be taken seriously and firmly, it may act as a huge learning experience for your child in coping and dealing with the baddies in which surely we will all have to face again and again in some shape or form in our lifetime.

For more information regarding dealing with bullies visit:

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html

http://www.stopbullying.gov/

http://www.bullyingcanada.ca/index.php

1. Anne Trueman, "School can be scary for victims of bullies: Youth violence still not taken taken seriously enough, experts say: [Final Edition]" The Vancouver Sun, August 15, 2002, E1.

2. "Beating the Bullies: Teaching a youngster to act assertively can be solution to a school dilemma: Bullies: Take a cue from child's reaction to the incident: [1* Edition]" The Vancouver Sun, March 26, 1993, C8.

3. Norma Fitzpatrick-Bailey, "Standing up to bulles; Calm resolve, working with parents will give victimized children tools to fight back" The Vancouver Sun, March 30, 2009, C.4